sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
