Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
