I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
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I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
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My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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