Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
