elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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