if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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