he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
