God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
