she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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