my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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