6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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