1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
