My Higher Power is John Stamos
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
