I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
