He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
