Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
