how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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