So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
