How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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