it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
