When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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