singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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