You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
