Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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