Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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