she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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