Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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