If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
