If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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