Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
