My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
