porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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