6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
