Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
