my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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