There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i think i just lost a toe
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
