she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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