did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
