I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
