fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
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When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
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So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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