I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
