Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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