he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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