will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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