You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
