So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
