nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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