When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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