Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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