you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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