when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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