I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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