I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
