Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Randomize
