life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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