he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
