There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
