you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
