there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
