I must be too annoying 4 u.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he was CRYING into my vagina
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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