I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
