Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
